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veiledallegory2009-11-10 04:18 pm
eternity_dreams) wrote in veiledallegory2009-11-10 04:18 pm
Entry tags:
Xenosaga: Wonderment
Title: Wonderment.
Fandom: Xenosaga.
Warnings: Null.
Word Count: 815.
Characters: Rubedo, plus.
Notes: I still attest that it's unfinished. I wanted to timeline it through the games. But I haven't touched it for over a year so here it is in all of its failtastic glory. I want to continue it... when I can. -_-;
Summary:
Sometimes, Rubedo wonders if he was born to be alone.
Of course, naturally, he fought fate on that one, being born connected to his twin and all, trying to show it that he wasn't just... what he was.
But Albedo was taken away from him. Rubedo wonders sometimes, if maybe the resentment that was always there, underneath the dependence Albedo constantly bestowed upon him, was from the fact that Rubedo allowed them to be separated. Regardless of age, Rubedo always allowed Albedo to be taken away.
Or Rubedo simply let him fade away into the background, replaced by a silent girl who really was anything but silent, when her soul was so loud in his mind. So bright, and free, and untainted, even in the midst of everything. She was free, even as she was trapped. Because at least she was able to live. She was living. Rubedo would look back and wonder, sometimes, if the reason he was enthralled with her was because she was something alive.
And then she died. She died and he lived on. They all died and he still lived. He lived because he ran, because he condemned them. Every one of them, all the ones he didn't truly know, except for the connection between them. All the ones he would never know, because they died. All of these parts of him died. The little piece that was him in each of them was extinguished. The pieces that were them inside of him faded away. He ran, they died, and he became less. She died, and he became less. Albedo was gone, and Rubedo was just a shadow. Rubedo was just a reflection of everything he'd ever lost.
Like Gaignun. Gaignun was just a little thing. A tiny little furball that would cover him in injuries when he first found him. Rubedo saw himself in this lost little real cat that was hurt and a little broken but still fought with everything he had to cling to life, even if life was completely clear that it didn't want him. But Gaignun had lived and Rubedo lived, and in this new life, where he wasn't Unit 666, where he wasn't the Leader, where he wasn't responsible for who lived and who died, he found hope and affection in this little thing that could be so strong on its own but still come to him, with a deep rumble in its chest, and fall asleep on his lap. This living cat that was found tiny and small and helpless outside, took Rubedo's huge weight from his back and carried it unknowingly. Rubedo could breathe again. Rubedo could smile.
Until the rain fell. The rain fell and the terrorist attack came and Gaignun was such a small cat, he was always so small, and he looked so much smaller laying there, laying like that. And Rubedo who hadn't cried for Sakura, who hadn't cried for his older brothers or Albedo, sobbed for this thing, for this little cat who had carried all of his pain and all of his hope and all of his remaining love, until the tears dried up and the rain stopped, and everything froze inside of him. And he knew, he knew, that dreams don't come true, and that hoping for a better future wasn't enough. Hope wasn't enough.
But actions were. Actions like fighting for a cause and creating a Foundation with his remaining brother, his only brother, that would take care of the lost ones that life no longer wanted or cared about. Ones like him. Actions like getting the strongest ship around and exploring space and solving mysteries. Helping people. Being there for people. Finding the Emulators, and in that, finding a new purpose, a new mystery to be solved. So he could go around, float in his immaculate ship through the universe, float through his new life, with his new identity, and even convince himself that he was okay. Even forget, just a little. Just for awhile.
Because then a ghost of the past dropped in. Dressed in the skin of the not-so-silent girl that was so alive to him, MOMO fluttered into his life like an iridescent butterfly, causing him to pause in wonder; pause in remorse and regret at memories of lost love and past promises and broken souls. He paused, for a moment, and watched dreamlike as she integrated herself into his world, his soul. MOMO was MOMO, not Sakura, not memories, but a promise that he would keep for himself and no one else. To prove to himself that he was a good man, and a good person.
And so Rubedo regained a fragile portion of himself back. A part that protected people, and cared about people, and loved people. There was no hope left in him, but he found enough to live by within her. He had hope with her.
He had hope within her.
Fandom: Xenosaga.
Warnings: Null.
Word Count: 815.
Characters: Rubedo, plus.
Notes: I still attest that it's unfinished. I wanted to timeline it through the games. But I haven't touched it for over a year so here it is in all of its failtastic glory. I want to continue it... when I can. -_-;
Summary:
Sometimes, Rubedo wonders if he was born to be alone.
Of course, naturally, he fought fate on that one, being born connected to his twin and all, trying to show it that he wasn't just... what he was.
But Albedo was taken away from him. Rubedo wonders sometimes, if maybe the resentment that was always there, underneath the dependence Albedo constantly bestowed upon him, was from the fact that Rubedo allowed them to be separated. Regardless of age, Rubedo always allowed Albedo to be taken away.
Or Rubedo simply let him fade away into the background, replaced by a silent girl who really was anything but silent, when her soul was so loud in his mind. So bright, and free, and untainted, even in the midst of everything. She was free, even as she was trapped. Because at least she was able to live. She was living. Rubedo would look back and wonder, sometimes, if the reason he was enthralled with her was because she was something alive.
And then she died. She died and he lived on. They all died and he still lived. He lived because he ran, because he condemned them. Every one of them, all the ones he didn't truly know, except for the connection between them. All the ones he would never know, because they died. All of these parts of him died. The little piece that was him in each of them was extinguished. The pieces that were them inside of him faded away. He ran, they died, and he became less. She died, and he became less. Albedo was gone, and Rubedo was just a shadow. Rubedo was just a reflection of everything he'd ever lost.
Like Gaignun. Gaignun was just a little thing. A tiny little furball that would cover him in injuries when he first found him. Rubedo saw himself in this lost little real cat that was hurt and a little broken but still fought with everything he had to cling to life, even if life was completely clear that it didn't want him. But Gaignun had lived and Rubedo lived, and in this new life, where he wasn't Unit 666, where he wasn't the Leader, where he wasn't responsible for who lived and who died, he found hope and affection in this little thing that could be so strong on its own but still come to him, with a deep rumble in its chest, and fall asleep on his lap. This living cat that was found tiny and small and helpless outside, took Rubedo's huge weight from his back and carried it unknowingly. Rubedo could breathe again. Rubedo could smile.
Until the rain fell. The rain fell and the terrorist attack came and Gaignun was such a small cat, he was always so small, and he looked so much smaller laying there, laying like that. And Rubedo who hadn't cried for Sakura, who hadn't cried for his older brothers or Albedo, sobbed for this thing, for this little cat who had carried all of his pain and all of his hope and all of his remaining love, until the tears dried up and the rain stopped, and everything froze inside of him. And he knew, he knew, that dreams don't come true, and that hoping for a better future wasn't enough. Hope wasn't enough.
But actions were. Actions like fighting for a cause and creating a Foundation with his remaining brother, his only brother, that would take care of the lost ones that life no longer wanted or cared about. Ones like him. Actions like getting the strongest ship around and exploring space and solving mysteries. Helping people. Being there for people. Finding the Emulators, and in that, finding a new purpose, a new mystery to be solved. So he could go around, float in his immaculate ship through the universe, float through his new life, with his new identity, and even convince himself that he was okay. Even forget, just a little. Just for awhile.
Because then a ghost of the past dropped in. Dressed in the skin of the not-so-silent girl that was so alive to him, MOMO fluttered into his life like an iridescent butterfly, causing him to pause in wonder; pause in remorse and regret at memories of lost love and past promises and broken souls. He paused, for a moment, and watched dreamlike as she integrated herself into his world, his soul. MOMO was MOMO, not Sakura, not memories, but a promise that he would keep for himself and no one else. To prove to himself that he was a good man, and a good person.
And so Rubedo regained a fragile portion of himself back. A part that protected people, and cared about people, and loved people. There was no hope left in him, but he found enough to live by within her. He had hope with her.
He had hope within her.